if I pull
that forceful trigger
I wonder if
I'll regret it
if I remorsefully
hang myself
will I find myself
coarsely dangling
in some concise
forbidden street
if I tersely
drown myself
would anyone
ever miss me
what good advice
if I light myself
on resentful fire
could there be
an absolute end
absolving spent life
of our obvious
tenuous mistakes
could we
ever bend
resolve this
endless trying
what if God
takes me
right here
right now
would I
sense regret
or would I
feel somehow
respectfully proud
of those
respected things
in my life 
that I once had
that I have left
so far behind
what if all
our brilliant music
forever stopped
what if
it never
rained again
would we
find resilience
ever wish
we had
somehow changed
to save ourselves
to save our souls
what would we do
just carry on
drowning forever
in this
mixed up
bloody flood
of depressed blue
what if love
completely disappeared
what if joy
never could appear
would we live
until another day
or would we
decide to choose
to simply
melt away
shoot and hang
our bitter selves
out in some
littered street
drown ourselves
drink up
all life's poison
in some
faceless ocean
hoping to leave
no lasting trace
of this mindless
bloody disgrace
we call
normal life
or is it always
just suicide
for this
strangely deranged
human race

        * * * 

 

what happens
when we see
some end coming
when our dreams
tell us things
that seem
totally unreal
what happens
when prophetic things
enter into
our mortal world
what credit
should we give
to those 
inventive times
when we
surely know
unseen things
are going to occur
should we
have sympathy
for ourselves
can revelation
lead us home
perhaps if we
study stars
try to read
vie to interpret
far off
constellations
decipher revolving
evolving implementation
what if
we truly knew
how some end
would surely come
what if 
our primal dreams
would tell us
penultimate things
that must seem
so intimidating
so damn unreal
perhaps only
committed time
will tell us 
submit truly
how to be
where to go
how things 
will finally admit
to a very end
on this
planetary show
should we
blow up and trend
offended
or be sorry
that we
can't help
but save
our souls
should we 
try to dream
better days
when all 
we dream
are frittered nights
instilled with prayers
that forever bleed
into our bitter lives
events that we 
always wish
we shouldn't need
so if this is
some conventional end
to all 
our retentive dreams 
and intentional hope
so if this is
coming to
that end
to what
we loved
and what
we hoped
perhaps that
tree of life
will still grow
nurture all of us
teach us all
what we truly
should always know
what if
this is just
another side
of eternity
what if this
so called
trusted modernity
is nothing but
some material dream
making us believe
that what happens
is nothing really
never more
but what it seems 

           * * * 

 

I'm burning now
going up in flames
all this bloody trying
forever yearning
I have to wonder
just what ever
have I truly learned
vying for something
all those life long dreams
never really coming true
crying it seems
doesn't get me anywhere
but all those tears
help me wash away
some of my fear
perhaps shed some light
over all these years
on what should be right
what could have been
but so much
past history
still I find
most of it
all that
tragic mystery
sticks with me
brings me 
to this roadside
I know I can't
ever truly hide
but if you
somehow find me
laying on this 
rocky broken road
bleeding and crying
perhaps you'll find
I still have a pulse
but surely
you will see
my heart is truly broken
not just by
lost spoken love
escaping costume life
shedding that lonely
impersonal masquerade
but by all those
other tragic
token storms
that have swept me
out to stormy sea
maybe some day
I shall truly wake
choke all that
loose dirt and gravel
all that choking
ocean water
out of my
constricted throat
I'll try to choose
unrestricted light
and brilliant life
let my heart
be somehow filled
with love and goodness
choose what is right
things that take me
somehow closer
to some righteous light
perhaps sightless time
will let me see
that we're all the same
us human beings
needing love and care
even going there though 
we might not know
why we're here
instead of being there
where we thought
we should truly be
so I'm still burning
going up in smoke
consumed by flames
self immolation
on this broken road
my funeral pyre
along with all those things
I thought I desired
trying not to feel
lost and so ashamed
my careless incineration
wrapped in futile love's 
pathetic tragic attire

             * * * 

 

this crutch world
such is based 
on butch volume
how much
we can
stitch moves
across oceans
land on
foreign lands
those gluttonous
super markets
barking volume
takes a stand
columns of trinkets
those base
clay targets
so say money
translate wealth
every emperor
each political head
stamped and branded
across this
tattooed planet
no ample matter
what overall health
our world is forever
everything in tatters
there is volume
columns and stacks
such a whack
of needless things
but we humans
love all this
glitz and glamour
hammered and enamoured
by bright blinding lights
we are enraptured
with colourful fables
stables of greedy
enabling seedy industry
making it what
consumers must buy
take those rumours
deporting masses
past history
a class mystery
still want
all that need
those earthy coins
recalling mirthful Jack
in his toll box
buy climbing beans
plant timely fairy tales
encourage bean stalks
trade your sacred cow
for same old
some magical dream
another holy show
wholly recollection
in a mindless land
of bland sour cream
and spoiled honey
a voluminous place
stacks and columns
of esoteric space
racks and volumes
rich playful tracks
of perverse erotic joy 
mirroring that shine
of stolen gold
so this shimmering
unfolding world
what we see
what we think
we truly know
move sinfully
criminally along
measure volume
accumulate encapsulated
capital mass
measure pleasure
counting triads
of billionaire cash
when we all
see bloody red
when we do
think we know 
what someone said
measuring things 
trashing sacred earth
blow and other drugs
all up your nose
fake news stash
count your coins
everything is harsh
recount lost freedom
accountability is nothing
but everything
a fake news rash

          * * * 

 

what happens
when sister moon 
decides not to rise
what happens
when mother sun
never shines again
what happens
when oceans
boil or turn to ice
what happens
to mice and men
turning away from truth
when humankind
accept political lies
our yearning world
our burning planet
always forever littered
with trash advice
will earth still turn
or will humankind
launch more missiles
so our world burns
maybe bitter thought
and futile prayers
would help us
but I have my doubts
allowing truth to still
turn in its shallow grave
what if righteous things
were completely different
what if hallowed bells
would lift truth's coffin
out of that unblessed grave
what would God
want to tell us
if only God
would truly speak
what if all Creation
could ever forgive
all this insistent trash
piled so very high
right on top of us
if we would change
rearrange ourselves
perhaps birds
could continue to sing
perhaps epic mountains
would rise above it all
raise some holy blessed voice
why can't we all
make that perfect choice
decide to live together
in respectful peace
sing with reflective harmony
let bountiful mother earth
ounce for ounce
provide for us
feed us blessed food
grant us peaceful life
wouldn't that be
some better choice
instead of ultimate war
and disrespectful lies
instead of trash and vice
perhaps one day
God will show us
how to exist in bliss
let us surely grow
nurture purity once again
that beautiful garden of Eden
if we would sow
those blessed seeds
if only we could
truly see ourselves
through holy eyes
perhaps war would stop
perhaps a myriad of fish
would once again
swim plentiful in ocean schools
recompense for what we've done
all our needy compensity
spoiling every continent
soiled waste and oil slick reality
destroying everything
what about credibility
firing guns and dropping bombs
what if brother moon
could tell us all
there is a better way
but if sometime soon
we don't change
with our destructive ways
sun will refuse to shine
burn us all up
consume us with its
universal retribution
turn us to cinder and ash
remarkably irreversible
supreme solar fire
what should have been
holy blessed Eden days
what kind of space
have we ultimately devised
this mucked up human race
living devious trumped up war
consuming trumped up garbage lies
tossing truth and goodwill
into that hungry fire
tossing love and life
into some deep pit
but God and earth won't forgive
consequential human greed
and all our bloody human desire

                  * * * 

 This is an old poem. Something I wrote back on July 18th, 2006. At that point everything in my life seemed like it was failing and falling apart. I don't remember but I may have published the following poem on my 'Yahoo 360 Blog'. I posted my 'stuff' (writing, ranting, raving, poems, etc.) on my 'Yahoo 360' Blog for four years, from 2006 until July 2010 when Yahoo shut their entire Yahoo 360 Blog down for good. Rereading the following poem I remind myself that for all these years I've been, sort of, in the same headspace and place in my strange life. Photo with this 'poem' is of my beloved dog Tippy (born December 2000 - died April 26th, 2014). I had Tippy from June 2001 until her death, still missing that dog to this day. 

------------------------------------------------------------ 

 

 July 18, 2006

Everything 
Around me
Is Broken,
my Hammer
my Axe
my Rake
my Shovel
my Hoe
all my Tools.

Everything 
Around me
Is Broken,
my Truck
my Car
my Bus
my Cabin roof
my Fences
my Community Spirit.

Everything
Around me
Is Broken,
my Wether Goat Kid's Leg
my Washing Machine
my Fridge
my Freezer
my Computer
my Relationship.

Everything
Around me
Is Broken,
the Grass
the Plants
the Trees
the Forest 
the Land
my Marriage.

Everything
Around me
Is Broken,
the River
the Lake
the Mountain
the Atmosphere
the Environment
my confidence.

Everything
Around me
Is Broken,
the Animals
the Birds
the Amphibians
the Soil
the Ecosystem
my Dreams.


Everything
Around me
Is Broken,
my Family
my Clan
my Tribe
my Nation
my Country
my Hope.

Everything
Around me
Is Broken,
my Courage
my Faith
my World
my Universe
my Promises

my Heart.

    * * * 

 

good god
give me
life and light
grant me
dried figs
sweet nuts
all things
that are good
everything 
that is perfect
everything
that is right
gift me
pure water
just enough
blessed liquid
to ground me
water enough
to refresh me
good god
let me find
profound poetry
midst variegated leaves
let me
attach to flexible twigs
grow strong roots
set me firmly
midst throngs
of wondrous sound
teach me
boundless
concentric motion
so I will
endlessly
truly understand
discover good sense
uncover eccentric notions
finally recover
get emotional me
bless me
with actual freedom
all those factual
rational overtones
bless me
with passionate space
allow me
feeling deep seas
wash me
with empathetic
blue ocean
something evolutionary
shower me
with revolutionary
primal goodness
grant me
voluntary love
good god
allow me
untold volumes
billowing summer
welcome clouds
reveal transitional towers
grand columns
of clear and clean
magnificent air
let ecstatic magic
mix with rasta purity
follow me
so mystically
crystal clean clarity
clear will follow
good god
let charitable
unfolding blooms
fields of bold
tall sunflowers
growing introspective
prospective power
my dreamland
grant me
my physical garden
scarlet runner beans
twining amongst
winter squash
good god
grow apple trees
bless sweet plums
speaking nourishment
reciting enriching psalms
about calm minds
productive hands
sensible neighbourhood
orchards of juicy pears
let blue berries
ripen and flourish
let resilient canes
produce red raspberries
ripe meeting
my ready
ritual tongue
my puckered lips
blood red
after all
sweet joy to eat
all that perfect 
unblemished
spiritual fruit
majestic goodness
unfinished god
feed us
spiritual chemistry 
dessert for food
heady encouragement 
nourishing bread
mineral rich roots
baked and stewed
what mother earth
reverently boasts
abundantly gives us
all her blessed
milk and meat
cheese and roast
good replenishment
pleasing god
grant priestess mother
good priceless earth
perfection's perfect rain
rich enough to grow
fields of gardens
all her
knowing sunflowers
please don't
be hard on us
raise earth up
sprouting seeds
for all of us
all that blessed
introspective purity
all that respectful
reverential praise
god's best poetry
praising her
let us
pleasing goddess
plainly hear
open our eyes
clearly envision
for we want
to clearly know
truth and all that
spiritual goodness
fruit we need
to live and grow
maternal god
freely give us
material goodness
oceans of sharing
granting charity
giving care
to all of  this
respectful afterglow
universal eternity
cosmologic maternity
reflecting all of this
oh so sacred
blessed show

         * * *