I found myself today
searching first
for myself
a soul seeking thirst
just wondering
where ever
could I be
second after fleeting second
I looked
in neat and tidy cupboards
stuck my head in
between ghostly painted walls
journeyed up decadent stairs
then falling down again
I searched around
every ghastly corner
in every dark attic
every dank basement
I searched each legal easement
dug beneath deceit and deception
perused every political appeasement
rummaged through depressions
those harried and hurried places
where romance had been buried
wondering about spirit and inception
pondering just where
I'd gotten to
just where
I might have gone
where
I might have been
beyond a wretched helm
far past
the blinking stars
seemingly gone
from every realm
in the morning hours
I looked in every tangled corner
enduring hot afternoon
I wandered down every stuffy corridor
in the blessed cool evening
I traveled to the ends of every storm
touching every remnant rainbow
assembling tone and pigment
but still
I couldn't find myself
I wasn't at the bottom of any well
or beneath any pot of glitter or gold
I wasn't twenty thousand leagues
beneath any ancient sea
I wasn't at the apex of any noble mountain
I wasn't even in my own missing skin
finally when the vocal moon came out
that regal brooding swelling man
with his yokel swoon
told me where to look
not in any story or book
not under any stone or rock
not in any house or home
not above or below the earth
not within a cave or tomb or tone
of any singing ringing bell
don't bother searching
any placid canal or watery lock
not in any poem or song
he told me I wasn't there
I was not even
a single word or letter
not a beginning
or an end
just a being
a spark of instant thought
that wise old crisscrossed man
told me star-crossed things
reminding me living
may not get better
maybe even worse
more difficult and terse
maybe another drastic flood
maybe another choking fire
maybe I'll wake up someday
in some wretched monk attire
there could be earthquakes and hurricanes
those green cheese words
I didn't feel inspired
I couldn't see past my trying nose
but somewhere in between
I swallowed hard
knowing that's how it goes
realizing that bit
of lubricating spit
would make me play
some other joking card
hoping to win the final pot
maybe make my day
where I might finally be
in some magic life
or blessed
even sacred spot
hoping I'd somehow swing
from jungle vine
to cosmic vine
finally in the setting sun
landing in a vacant lot
and there
on some overgrown ground
I spied a small hole
atop a weaving grassy knoll
to my astonishment
there I was
my very soul and being
speaking out of a minute vent
the raving night before
and in the ranting dark
I didn't realize or know
searching for some illuminating goal
would land me
like some sprouting seed or nut
in some surreal
vole and squirrel park
surrounded by hungry ferrets and weasels
midst lurking things and creatures
slinking nearby and far below
all those hunting
day hawks and night owls
teaching me stupidity and courage
encouragement enough
to launch myself
from here to there
attempts to find myself
from hole to hole
just trying to survive
I find myself vying
this earnestly I vow
in my yearning vole
and gathering squirrel life
I'm just trying to somehow
live in peace and simply stay alive

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